1. Bring Kyle Rittenhouse-themed decorative napkins.
Worried that your Thanksgiving dinner will be a riot? Open-carry these beautiful, innocent napkins to protect yourself from any and all liberal nonsense! Bonus points if you cross state lines!
2. Begin every sentence with “If Trump were still President.”
It’s important to constantly remind your liberal relatives that voting for Democrats makes their lives worse in every way. If Trump were still president, the gas wouldn’t cost a gazillion dollars. If Trump were still president, inflation wouldn’t be a problem. Bonus points if you insist that Trump still is President!
3. Insist that everyone does the Tomahawk Chop as you carve the turkey.
After all, it’s probably what the Pilgrims and Native Americans did together during the first Thanksgiving.
4. Require each family member to show ID before they are allowed to come inside.
Thanksgiving security is a major concern and it is especially tricky this year because you won’t recognize some of these family members you haven’t seen in two years. No photo ID? Give them a jacket, keep them outside and hope they have one in time for Christmas.
5. Sing the entire national anthem before each football game.
Is it a little odd to stand up, remove your hat, and belt out each word of the Star-Spangled Banner while it plays on television before each football game? Maybe. But it’s important to remind your unpatriotic relatives that this is still America, and they should be proud of their country. Bonus points for shedding tears throughout the anthem, starting a USA chant, or cheering for someone named Brandon.
6. Show everyone where you store your firearms and ammo.
It’s important to remind your guests that, should something terrible happen, everyone will be well-protected. Don’t own any firearms? Just mention how the recent rise in violent crime (which wouldn’t exist if Trump were still President) is making you consider purchasing an AR-15. Ask the libs how they feel about that.
7. Talk about the presumption of innocence as often as possible.
The context doesn’t matter, just see how many times you can insert “beyond a reasonable doubt” into a conversation. For example, answer the question “Did you undercook the turkey?” with “I’m not guilty of that beyond a reasonable doubt.” They’ll understand what you’re getting at. Bonus points for implicating “self-defense.”
8. Make sure to rub in how much Thanksgiving costs to your Biden-voting relatives.
Your Thanksgiving meal is going to cost a lot more this year even before you think about the gas you used to pick everything up. Whether you passive-aggressively complain about the cost or hand them an itemized bill on their way out, make sure your relatives know that their vote burned a hole in your pocket.
9. If you’re in a blue state, threaten to move to Texas or Florida every chance you get.
Make sure your relatives know you probably won’t be able to host next year, as you’ve fled Orwellian Illinois for the freedom-loving paradises of Abbott and DeSantis.
10. Don’t be scared to look ahead.
While Republicans might be having a down year right now, that doesn’t mean you can’t make your relatives a bit nervous as well. Be sure to mention the 2022 midterms being extremely favorable for Republicans, Glenn Youngkin’s recent trouncing of Terry McAuliffe, or if you really want to disturb them you can remind them Trump still might make his return for the nomination in just three years!
The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.