SATIRE: Antifa Supreme Leader Says CHAZ “Totally Not a Police State”

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Wednesday, June 24, 2020


It’s been three months now since protesters in Seattle partitioned off an area around the state capitol and established the “Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone.” In a rare media appearance, self-appointed Supreme Leader Kevin agreed to meet with the reporting team from CBS Local 47. He wore a man bun and military uniform.

“It all started as a vision really,” Kevin began when asked about the beginning of the compound. He was sipping espresso. “It began with guitar circles and constant, insufferable soapbox speeches, but I saw the potential for a mini-utopia built on socialist principles. A beacon for the world, so to speak.”

He speaks of utopia but his compound has faced many controversies in the past few months. Just three weeks ago, a brawl broke out between the Buddhist and “spiritual but not religious” sects. One revolutionary who was involved in those brawls, Jill, agreed to speak with us under the cover of night. Noticeably agitated, she praised the compound’s plant-based diet but broke into sobs when asked about her time spent at the Institute of Restorative Justice after the fight.

“Of course we don’t have police and they’re not welcome,” Kevin said when asked about the incident. ”We don’t do violence here. There’s not a violent person in this group. We’ve reimagined how we structure our relationships and so criminality just doesn’t happen. Some newcomers just need education into our principles.”

I asked him about the police imagery present throughout the compound.

“Our uniforms?” He asked. He brought us into a room lined with police uniforms, batons, anti-riot equipment, and body armor. “Those of us on leadership choose to wear the apparel to represent the reimagination of power. We took it from those who would wield it against us and now we wear their uniforms to show that the power now belongs to us, the people.”

He next bought us to the construction of the compound’s “Open-Border Perimeter.” At the time of writing, it was mostly construction cones, traffic barriers, and bars broken off of local businesses, but Supreme Leader Kevin promised his constituents new construction within the year.

“It’s totally different from a border wall,” he said. He had a bullet-proof vest on over his tie-dye. “We welcome everybody who supports our values. Only, we can’t allow entry to outside agitators who don’t support our vision.” Kevin is originally from Miami.

Not everyone is a detractor. Local professor of history at UC Berkley Jean-Paul Smith wrote a new book about his time spent in the compound F*ck the Police: A Statio-Dynamic Interpretation of Hegemony Between The Seattle Autonomous Zone and Israeli Occupiers.

“Their latest foreign policy white paper was a sensation in academia. They called for the immediate dissolution of the occupying state of Israel, all borders, and the military-industrial complex, and for the eradication of poverty, pain, and death,” he told us.

Days after their proclamation, their foreign policy leader expressed surprise to find bad things still happened in the world. “I don’t know what went wrong,” he said in a speech. “We took a strong stance against bad things and there are still bad things. We’ll take this time to listen.”

“Great ideas always come from places like this,” Jean-Paul told us. “They’ve done something totally revolutionary. Whatever bad thing they don’t like, they do the opposite. Racism? Anti-racism. Capitalism? Anti-capitalism. Sickness? Anti-sickness.” He paused, overcome with emotion, before wiping his eyes on his hemp sweater and whispered “amazing.”

The compound continues to grow and develop more institutions. There have been talks about the need for a written document of their laws, that totally isn’t a constitution, and a thoughtful way to designate votes so that smaller groups cannot band together, thereby silencing others. A recommendation for votes allocated by territory has the most popularity. There have also been discussions about a new monetary system.

“Right now, everything is free,” the compound’s monetary advisor told us.“Each takes what he needs from what others can provide. There’s been no shortage of snacks, sandwiches, and free swag. I really think this could go worldwide.” When asked whether this was sustainable without corporate sponsors buying BLM-branded snacks, he refused to comment.

As the questioning continued, Kevin’s frustration grew. The skin under his thin, blond mustache glistened with perspiration. “We have good ideals and so maybe it’s been a bit harder than we expected. It turns out it takes more than a slogan to end bad things. I’ll admit that, yes, but whatever the detractors say, we are totally not a police state. I mean, we have a literacy program.”

Alum of the University Wisconsin - Madison, Daniel studied English and Spanish as an undergraduate, later to receive a masters in education. He works as a teacher in a diverse school and hopes to show how conservatism presents a viable solution to the disparity and impoverishment that the left decries.

The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.


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About Daniel Buck

Alum of the University Wisconsin - Madison, Daniel studied English and Spanish as an undergraduate, later to receive a masters in education. He works as a teacher in a diverse school and hopes to show how conservatism presents a viable solution to the disparity and impoverishment that the left decries.

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