The Ultimate Greenland Packing List

by and

Thursday, August 29, 2019


American Flag

Like the Moon landing, Americans must plant their country’s flag to make clear the pride we hold in our new land, the 51st State of the Union, Greenland. 

Ice Pick

Greenland is rich in natural resources, and, under the Trump administration, we will strive to utilize the land we have conquered. Perhaps the greatest of these resources are the very thing that made soft drinks great again, ice. In order to make sure you get your fair share of this aqua gold in your favorite beverages, pack an ice pick to grab your prize.

No Passport

What’s the best part of visiting the new 51st state? Well, not having to have a passport obviously! Now that Greenland has officially entered the band of states, you can leave all of the paperwork, fees, and hassle at home while you enjoy your vacation. 

Danish Clogs

Just as New Orleans is still a haven for French culture long after it was under French control, Greenland will be a celebration of Danish heritage. If you plan on joining the festivities on St. John’s Eve of Julaften, be sure to not have two left feet by using some traditional Danish clogs!

MGGA Hat

For a limited time, production is under way for limited edition MAKE GREENLAND GREAT AGAIN hats! These are only available for a season, so grab them while they’re still on the shelves!

Matches and Logs

Greenland may be rich in natural resources, but not so much in central heating. Fires are a great way to bond with mother nature while soaking in the beauty of the new state. The most efficient way to have a cozy Greenland fire is to bring along some matches and logs. They may put your carry-on a little over, but they’ll be worth the WEIGHT! 

Fur Parka

Greenland is a scenic heaven, but it’s not the Bahamas! The average temperature in the hottest summer months reaches only a 50 degrees Fahrenheit high. You’ll be kept warm by the love between you and your new fellow Americans, but a coat wouldn’t hurt.

Piña Colada

If you love the cold but you also love beaches, you’re in luck! Thankfully, the 51st state is lined by beaches and ice cliffs, so a pina colada is the perfect beverage to pair with the beautiful North Atlantic sunsets. Reminder: Make sure all beverages are under 3 oz. if in a carry-on bag. 

Bucket-wheel Excavator

Greenland’s abundant beauty has enamored many tourists, but what enamors the wealthy is the limitless natural resources just waiting to be collected. You can find gold, oil, and even diamonds if you’re lucky. If you’re ready to roll in the GREEN, what better place to do it than Greenland!  If you’re up to the task, be sure to bring your personal excavator on your next trip to the 51st.

 

Photo Credit

Jack Cowhick is a sophomore at The Colony High School, and a member of the TCHS debate team. Jack plans on majoring in political science at the University of Texas at Austin, and hopes to work as a political commentator in the future. When not writing for the Lone Conservative, he can likely be found practicing for a debate tournament or reading up on theology or politics.

The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.


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About Jack Cowhick

Jack Cowhick is a sophomore at The Colony High School, and a member of the TCHS debate team. Jack plans on majoring in political science at the University of Texas at Austin, and hopes to work as a political commentator in the future. When not writing for the Lone Conservative, he can likely be found practicing for a debate tournament or reading up on theology or politics.

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