When asked about the upcoming fall semester, local sophomore Ken Oskall expressed excitement toward continuing women’s studies courses at Williams College in Massachusetts. “There’s just so many options.” He continued, “I know this will help me understand women.”
Ken initially majored in business accounting, but after taking ‘Introduction to Women’s Studies,’ he knew that was the momentum he needed to switch majors. “Accounting is just too boring,” he said, “I may want to teach Women’s Studies some day.”
He then described easing the idea of a male professor mansplaining women’s issues to women. To him it was a completely untapped idea, that it would be like “reconciling science with religion.”
When describing the first day of class, Ken said he never felt “more ashamed to be a man.” He went on to describe getting tossed into garbage cans and physically thrown around like a rag doll as “male privilege.” He also double checked his language to make sure he didn’t add a gender to the previously mentioned doll. Ken stated taking ‘Feminist Poetry Movement’ and ‘Sexuality Studies’ would be worth the price.
Ken’s girlfriend of less than three weeks, Karen, joined us later, stating she was excited for Ken to finally get in touch with his feminine side. We asked Karen what she thought about taking women’s studies courses. She replied, “Twenty years of being a woman was enough,” and that she was more interested in ethnic studies.
When pressed on the subject of ethnic studies, she commented, “I don’t need to be talked to like this by a freckled hazel-eyed cisgendered muscular translucent heterosexual evangelically non-believing part native Star Wars Original Trilogy fan conservative leaning white male identifier in his late twenties.” We were impressed with her accuracy.
Ken feigned intervention, but quickly backed off, stating, “I’m sorry, you’re a woman and I shouldn’t be intervening.”
Our interview came to an end when Karen dragged Ken away by the arm.
Ken states he now identifies as an ally because, “Men aren’t even allowed, only allies.”
Karen broke up with Ken for a “hot motorcyclist.”
Editor’s Note: This is a work of satire.
The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.