10 Things Americans Like More Than ‘The Squad’

by

Friday, August 16, 2019


“The Squad.” 

They’re everyone’s favorite group of Capitol Hill mean girls. How the anti-Semetic version of the Fantastic Four made it to Congress is still an open question.

You may wonder, who are these “wonderful” and “brave” women who make up the most “fetch” gang in the House of Representatives? In their own minds, they are the greatest thing to walk the face of the Earth since the dawn of time. Ilhan Omar actually said, “I am America’s hope and the President’s nightmare.” They are also, among other things, extraordinarily humble. Regrettably for them, most people in the United States do not view them as the second coming of Jesus.

According to a poll conducted with 1500 American, adult respondents by the Economist and YouGov, AOC had a favorability rating of 33%. Ilhan Omar was viewed favorably by 25% of respondents, Rashida Tlaib received a 24% rating, while Ayanna Pressley sat at 22%.

Failing that hard with voters truly takes a Herculean campaign of being extremely annoying. With numbers that low, almost anything could have higher approval ratings than Omar or Cortez. Here are just a few:

#10 The DMV

The DMV has long been the poster child for slow and wasteful bureaucracy. Perhaps Patty and Selma from The Simpsons come to mind. Now, “the Squad” is on the scene, and the DMV has never looked more productive when compared with their legislative record.

#9 Soccer

It’s low scoring. The clock counts up for some reason. Everyone flops. Megan Rapinoe won’t stop. Let’s face it, soccer is unbelievably stupid. Americans like football for a reason. However, if faced with a choice between watching the US kick ass in the World Cup or be tortured, (i.e. listen to AOC blather on about socialism), most Americans will choose the former. 

#8 Colonoscopies

Just like people who fact-check “the Squad,” if you’re having one of these, you’ll be dealing with a lot of bs. Colonoscopies are at least beneficial to your health. 

#7 Pineapple Pizza

This affront to the beautiful Italian creation is enjoyed by millions of people who have terrible taste in Pizza. “The Squad” is a disgrace to the American Republic, and enjoys support from equally tasteless people. Their cadre of loyalists is just considerably smaller.  

#6 The TSA

We all know it’s security theater. Every test of skill this agency has been given, it has failed in dramatic fashion. Yet, it is comforting to know that if they’re tasked with fighting terrorism, they probably won’t be downplaying or ignoring it, unlike some congresswomen. 

#5 Telemarketers

These pesky over-the-phone salesmen share much in common with “the Squad.” Thankfully, if they ever get too aggressive, annoying, or are selling something no one in their right mind will buy, you can hang up on them. 

#4 A meme petition to storm Area 51 to see aliens everyone knows don’t exist

Over 1 million people are signed up to participate. Enough said.

#3 The Mafia

The Mafia kills people who won’t do business with them. AOC kills corporations who will do business with her constituents. Really, the Mafia is the original Squad, just with more cultural clout. The Godfather will always be a better work of fiction than the Green New Deal. 

#2 The New York Times

This rag, like “The Squad,” has had its own problems with anti-Semitism in recent months. They both are also known for their “alternative facts” and left wing bent. However, the NYT also offers comics and a crossword puzzle. Game, Set, and Match to the Grey Lady.

#1 Communism 

This is the most repugnant of political ideologies. “The Squad” also ascribes to and preaches it, even though they will swear up and down they are only “Democratic Socialists.” Communism is bad enough on its own, without shrewish, arrogant politicians spouting its lies. In this case, the messenger is far worse than the message. 

 

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Ben Whearty is a resident of Charlottesville, VA, and a rising First Year at the University of Virginia. He there plans to double major in Economics and Public Policy and participating in Young Americans for Freedom and College Republicans. He intends to become a political analyst and eventually an elected representative.

The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.


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About Benjamin Whearty

Ben Whearty is a resident of Charlottesville, VA, and a rising First Year at the University of Virginia. He there plans to double major in Economics and Public Policy and participating in Young Americans for Freedom and College Republicans. He intends to become a political analyst and eventually an elected representative.

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