In reaching for my third Advil while scrolling down the list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates, an interesting thought flashed through the throbbing agony: if I were a registered Democrat, who’d get my vote? I leaned back in my chair, put on my “HOPE” hat, and got to thinking.
As I scoured the Internet for each candidate’s views on hot-button issues, one question quickly came to light: where has the decency gone? Almost every major Democratic candidate, once reasonable politicians, has either embraced fringe views or campaign-ending scandals. The normality of politicians like former President Barack Obama or George Bush make this gang look like The Sex Pistols. Granted, President Trump’s record is hardly appropriate, but must we continue in this direction?
My first consideration was Senator Kamala Harris. In voting for her, I would be fulfilling my duties as a good liberal for supporting a black woman solely on the basis of her sex and race. She seems to be quite the far left candidate, supporting Medicare-For-All, free college, and a $15 minimum wage. What might draw her back towards the middle is her stance against breaking up Big Tech. Furthermore, she straddles the left-right divide with her formerly tough-on-crime views.
The tough-on-crime aspect, though, is a hiccup. Back in California, Kamala Harris was a cop, a D.A. and an A.G. Recently, in a harshly ratioed tweet, she was also seen with members of AIPAC. A close association with the police force or AIPAC are both taboos for the left. Thus, Kamala Harris is out.
Beto, maybe? He’s one of the more moderate candidates. During his stint in Texas’s state congress, he consistently voted more conservatively than 75% of his fellow Democrats. Also, his personality is charming, familiar even.
His sense of humor crosses lines, though. It just came out recently that he almost pulled a sweet prank on his wife by almost getting her to eat her child’s fecal matter. Unfortunately, he checks no oppression boxes and, perhaps more importantly, his hand movements give me crippling anxiety. I would pull his lever but I don’t think I could vote for him—he couldn’t beat the Zodiac Killer, so how could he beat the incumbent president?
Senator Elizabeth Warren crossed my mind. She gets in fights with President Trump frequently so she’s definitely a fighter, right? She also said she wanted to abolish the Electoral College which is great since people in fly-over country have lower IQs than those in overcrowded metropolitan areas.
Then, I thought, the safe pick is Joe Biden. After all, he got to hang out with the ever-perfect President Obama for eight years. His campaign is founded upon a call for unity, saying, “It’s time to treat each other with dignity and respect. Not as opponents, but as fellow Americans. Because that’s what we are.”
The Nazi Russian bots on Twitter, however, shared a video that I will never unsee. Washington D.C.? More like Neverland, am I right? Even Time magazine pushed this story, citing multiple occasions when “Uncle Joe” became “Creepy Uncle Joe”.
Just as I was thinking all was lost and every candidate was hopeless to defeat the orange menace, a name jumped from the page. As if gifted a tablet from the sky, as if I had just proved Fermat’s Last Theorem, the choice was bestowed upon me in divine intervention. I watched hours of footage and raced to type this article—the news had to be shared. If I could shout it from the rooftops I would! #YangGang2020!
Andrew Yang promises $1000/month for every American adult. That’s right folks, unlike Bernie’s socialist utopia, you don’t have to stand in line to get this bread. Is a Universal Basic Income economically viable? Probably not, but memes always trump the fiscal stability of our country. Yang also weirdly wants you to know he’s against circumcision.
To all of the registered Republicans out there: you may be uncertain of the President’s ability to win another general election; you may even be hesitant to vote for President Trump at all. Just remember this: at least you don’t have to choose from this rag-tag group of leftists.
The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.