BREAKING: Democratic Presidential Candidates Fail Test for a Heart

by

Wednesday, February 27, 2019


WASHINGTON D.C.- In an unsurprising turn of events, all six Democratic senators who declared their candidacy for the 2020 presidential election failed to pass a straightforward test that would prove that they possessed a heart.

It was reported that Senators and presidential hopefuls Cory Booker (D-NJ), Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY), Kamala Harris (D-CA), Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), Bernie Sanders (D-VT), and Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) were made to undergo this test on Monday, along with 91 of their colleagues in the Senate. The test consisted of a single yes-or-no question, “Does a child that is born alive as the result of an unsuccessful abortion have the right to life?” As expected, all six candidates, along with 38 of their colleagues, voted ‘no,’ ensuring that they failed this test.

I reached out to each of the six candidates for a comment.

Senator Warren was the first to respond via Skype.

“We see no reason why we should keep unwanted babies alive. Especially if they don’t have high cheekbones,” she said, “but give me a second to get myself a beer and kiss my husband a good night.” It was at this point that I ended the Skype call on my end.

Senator Sanders responded next, informing us that his reason for voting ‘no’ was because the test was funded by a worldwide conspiracy group known as ‘the one percent.’

Senator Harris pretended like she hadn’t taken or even heard of the test, but, when I pointed out that her Twitter said otherwise, she replied with a string of ‘um’s and ‘ah’s before offering to play me her mood-mix.

Senator Booker agreed to meet me in person, but only on the condition that my report would refer to him as ‘Spartacus’ and would contain a shirtless picture of himself as the Thracian gladiator. I politely declined.

I cornered Senator Klobuchar backstage at a campaign rally, where she was bent over a bowl of salad, shoveling lettuce into her mouth with a plastic comb. Upon my asking her for a comment, a binder was tossed in my face, which I took as a sign to leave.

Senator Gillibrand was the only one who declined to comment, saying that she did not wish to say anything until she had gotten herself some ranch.

The DNC sent out an official Twitter statement about the issue.

“We are well-aware of the fact that none in our current pool of candidates possess a heart,” Chairman Perez tweeted, “We do not see why it has come as a shock to many, given it has always been a part of our official party platform since we removed ‘safe, legal, and rare’ in 2008.”

Note: This piece is a work of satire.

The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.


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