On December 7, 2018, Nintendo released the latest installment in their Super Smash Brothers game series, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate on the Nintendo Switch. Unbeknownst to Nintendo, this game would soon wreak havoc on college campuses.
“We will not let these boys R.O.B us of a peaceful college experience” one upset student stated. Among the students were faculty holding signs which read, “Stop Robbin students of their peace” or “Smash the nerdy cliques.” The spokesperson for the students, a senior student, named Abbie Cacontuff, said, “As a girlfriend to a gamer, I personally know the feeling of loneliness when your boyfriend chooses a video game over you. This must stop. This is worse than the Fortnite debacle.”
When asked what they were going to do, the administration seemed to be at a loss. The Board’s spokesperson released the following statement to the media, “Here at UC Davis, we strive to include minorities, women, and other marginalized groups into our campus. We know that Smash Ultimate has an uneven male to female roster. We are in contact with Nintendo to try and resolve this conflict. We are working with the students who feel they have been victimized by these video game players. We do not allow the video games to divide our campus.”
Although there is nothing in the UC Davis code of conduct which prohibits the playing of video games on campus, the administration might choose to call Smash Brothers an addictive substance. Which, if so, would be automatically banned.
On the list of complaints, there was one from the notorious Westboro Baptist Church, who released the following scathing remarks about the game: “The portrayal of “gender fluid” characters such as Corrin, Robin, and Wii fit trainer is a danger. This will lead to the destruction of western civilization as we know it.” The school’s administration has yet to comment on the church’s complaints, but the students have responded by using a giant projector to play the game on the church’s walls.
Although the end of this entire situation is not in the foreseeable future, the school has several options to limit the many aforementioned problems. For starters, they could limit the amount of time students are allowed to play, in order to keep their girlfriends happy (and their GPA up, but that’s less important). They could sponsor “Smash Days” which would consist of tournaments and competitive matches, providing all the students’ homework has been completed. Other than this, the school’s resident “Smash Bros.” would have to learn self-control, an overall unlikely outcome.
Either way, regulating the game won’t be a smashing hit with every student.
The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.