Happy Thanksgiving from the Lone Conservative Team! Enjoy one of our rare parody articles for today:
Well-known bigot Not-My-President Trump recently pardoned two South Dakotan turkeys in the Rose Garden of the White House. These innocent creatures were picked up and shipped off to the White House to be personally inspected Gestapo-style by Trump. Is this pardoning just a smokescreen to cover up the fact that Trump is abusing his presidential power to round up LEGAL turkeys and decide their fate? Clearly, but does it prove that he’s a racist? Well, that takes a closer examination.
The two turkeys on Trump’s chopping block names are Peas and Carrots. It’s important to note that Peas and Carrots are white turkeys. Trump didn’t even consider pardoning one of the many disadvantaged, minority turkeys. It speaks volumes about this administration when minorities turkeys aren’t even allowed into the White House. National hero Bernie Sanders wasn’t wrong when he called Trump the most racist president of all time. There are few events in not just American history, but human history, that can compare to Trump’s recent treatment of minority fowl.
It’s widely known to every American that Thanksgiving is an exceptionally racist holiday. It’s quite transparent of Trump and his merry band of bigots to have invited white turkeys to a national holiday. For those that haven’t caught on, this is a clear dog whistle to the alt-right, it’s white nationalism at its darkest.
It’s crucial for the country to not be complacent in this clear oppression of a long unloved, underrepresented, and underappreciated class. It’s clear that the civil rights movement will only end the moment turkeys of ALL colors can live freely in this country. That moment will never come if Trump and his bread basket of deplorables remain in a position to deny minority turkeys the pardons they deserve.
It seems that the pardon might not be enough for these turkeys, despite their white privilege. Pardoned turkeys are sent off to “Gobbler’s Rest,” which seems to be a maximum security containment facility for these fowl. Sadly for Peas and Carrots, it doesn’t look like they’ll ever see freedom again. Presumably, Tom Cotton (R-AR), the strongest advocate for continuing the minimum sentencing laws currently in place, was at the center of this decision.
The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.