I Am Part of the Resistance Inside Lone Conservative

by

Saturday, September 8, 2018


The Lone Conservative is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous satire Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a real comic in the LoCo administration whose identity is known to us and whose job would be jeopardized by its disclosure. We believe publishing this essay anonymously is the only way to deliver a funny perspective to our readers. We invite you to submit a question about the essay or our vetting process here, and we will not get back to you.

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I work for Kassy Dillon but like-minded colleagues and I have vowed to thwart parts of her agenda and her worst inclinations.

Kassy Dillon is facing a test to her influence unlike any faced by modern leaders of the youth conservative movement.

It’s not just that the investigation into her actual physical height looms large. Or that young conservatives remain bitterly divided over her distaste for Starbucks and preference for Dunkin. Or even that she may lose several twitter followers for her bad takes.

The dilemma — which she does not fully grasp — is that many of the senior officials in her own leadership team are working diligently from within to frustrate parts of her agenda and her worst inclinations.

I would know. I am one of them.

To be clear, we are not part of the “resistance” attempting to shut down campus speech or ripping down flyers. We want the publication to succeed and think that the platform has already made an impact on the lives of many conservative college students.

But we believe our first duty is to this movement, and Kassy Dillon continues to act in a way that is catastrophic to conservatism.

I, along with my colleagues at the Lone Conservative, truly understand just how far this conspiracy goes. We are the adults in the room. We fully recognize what is happening. We realize that Kassy likes pineapple pizza. And we are doing all that we can to preserve the reputation of the conservative movement while protecting our followers from the reality of Kassy, when she retires.

The root of the problem is our founder’s taste buds. Anyone who works with her knows she is not moored to any discernible first principles that guide the standards and norms of American cuisine that represents the heart and soul of conservatism.

Although she founded Lone Conservative to provide a platform for campus conservatives after capturing the infamous “trigglypuff” incident, our founder shows little affinity anymore for the principle long espoused by conservatives: owning the libs. At best, she has invoked these ideals in scripted settings. At worst, she has attacked them outright.

Don’t get me wrong. There are bright spots that the near-ceaseless ratioed tweets on twitter fail to capture: an effective platform that has given a voice and a community to hundreds of students across the country.

But these successes have come despite — not because of — our founder’s attention span, which resembles that of a rodents (maybe it’s her height).

From the Lone Conservative eboard to the leadership team, senior officials will privately admit their daily disbelief at Kassy’s comments and actions. Most are working to insulate their operations from her whims.

Meetings with her veer off topic and off the rails, she engages in repetitive rants about how much she loves LA, constantly shows off her apartment, and makes sure to show us Rico or any other small dog she might have within her reach, completely throwing the meeting into disorder.

The erratic behavior would be more concerning if it weren’t for unsung heroes in and around the publication. Some of her aides have been cast as villains by her followers. But in private, they have gone to great lengths to keep bad decisions contained to the publication, though they are clearly not always successful.

It may be cold comfort in this chaotic era, but young conservatives should know that there are adults in the room. We fully recognize what is happening. And we are trying to do what’s right even when Kassy Dillon won’t.

The result is a two-track publication.

Take Kassy Dillon’s latest awful food tweet. She proclaimed recently that turkey bacon was “so much better than regular bacon.” This cuts against the very founding principles of the movement the publication seeks to progress; putting healthiness above self-indulgence is inherently anti-american.

Astute observers have noted, though, that the rest of the leadership team is operating on another track, one where the only acceptable form of bacon is the American form of bacon.

This isn’t the work of the vast right-wing conspiracy. It’s the work of dedicated conservative patriots.

Given the instability many witnessed, there were early whispers within the leadership team of impeachment, which would start a complex process for removing our founder. But no one wanted to precipitate a crisis within the organization. So we will do what we can to prevent the publication from descending into the example set by Kassy on her twitter account.

The bigger concern is not what Kassy has done to the publication’s image but rather what we as a publication has allowed her to do to us. We have sunk low with her, indulged in pineapple pizza and allowed our standards to be stripped of integrity.

The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.


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