Ice Cream Flavors: Women at Conservative Conferences Summer Edition

by

Friday, May 18, 2018


Vanilla – The most forgettable girl at the conference. She was probably there the entire week, but you’re not sure because you didn’t meet her until the last day. You don’t actually know that much about her, but it’s pretty clear she’s politically apathetic. You’re not sure why she’s even there and she’ll probably end up as a receptionist.

Meet the parents? Yes

 

Chocolate – She is highly praised by everyone at the conference but is only masquerading as a passionate conservative because she knows conservative men make better husbands. Her conservatism comes solely from her parents- who also pay for absolutely everything she does. By the end of the conference, she’s gotten numbers of at least half the guys she met and dropped the ones who don’t have high earning potential.

Meet the parents? No

 

Cookies and Cream – This girl is absolutely everyone’s friend. She is charming and personable, as well as an incredibly gifted orator. She’s probably asked to do the prayer or pledge multiple times, if she’s not introducing a speaker. She’s humble, yet intelligent and always well researched before engaging in a debate. She will probably be earning 6 figures before the age of 30.

Meet the parents? Yes

 

Mint Chocolate Chip – If anyone can polarize friends, it’s this girl. People either really like her or really don’t, and she has an incredible knack for causing drama without making it seem like she was involved at all. She’s at the conference because she knows there will be other girls she can compete with for attention.

Meet the parents? NO

 

Coffee – Is she on drugs or just crazy? Maybe both, if you count caffeine as a drug, but she’s definitely low on sleep. Despite the conference happening during the summer, she is studying or writing a paper of some kind. She probably writes for multiple online publications and dreams of one day starting her own. Michael J. Knowles is her role model.

Meet the parents? If you can keep up with her

 

Gluten, soy, dairy free vanilla – Is she even a conservative? The whole conference she lectures you on environmental policy and why veganism is actually a better overall diet. She plans to name her kids Mavis and Opal and get married in the middle of the forest. Her major is probably Dance or Theatre.

Meet the parents? no

 

Birthday cake – Always full of surprises! You might think she’s anti-legalization of weed, but she’s actually all for it. You might think she’s incredibly religious because of her strong moral compass, but she’s actually an atheist. Regardless, she is absolutely ALWAYS smiling and happy. She plans to be the first female president of the United States.

Meet the parents? Yes

The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.


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