Clearing Up Misconceptions About Leftism

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Thursday, February 22, 2018


Lately, I’ve found a lot of conservatives, centrists, and Libertarians somewhat confused about some of the present day left-leaning policies and mainstream thought. I’m here to sort this out for them, both clearly and concisely.

First things first: leftism is about wanting the best for everyone out of life. Simply put, everyone deserves to be treated equally except white people, lighter-skinned black people, males, cis people, straight people, latinos who vote republican, white women, old people, observant Jews, Israelis, Christians, apostate Muslims, and anyone to the left of Vladimir Lenin. Essentially, just avoid being one of those and you’ll be just fine!

Secondly, everyone deserves to live in peace and ensure their own safety. The caveat to this is people who own guns. Guns are evil, no one should own them, the police should come to the door of every NRA member, take their guns away and throw them in jail. Oh, and also the police are racist power-hungry bigots who are on a warpath to kill all minorities and beat up people who smoke marijuana. Donald Trump and the Government are a tyranny and are literally Hitler. We also need to form a resistance to fight back using violence. Easy stuff guys.

Thirdly, every single person deserves to live exactly how he or she wants, and no one can tell him or her otherwise. This statement applies unless you’re an unborn baby with a completely unique DNA structure, a beating heart, active brain waves, and the ability to feel excruciating pain. Then you don’t get to enjoy those rights unless you pass through the magical birth canal, when you all of a sudden become a person. Your mom gets to decide to kill you whenever she wants. Also, if you’re unwanted you’re a fetus, but if you are wanted then you’re magically now a ‘baby.’ Oh and also wanting to terminate you if you’re gay is theoretically wrong, but wanting to do it because you have down syndrome is totally that woman’s right to choose.

Next we have the border wall, which is of course a true evil. In fact any border is evil, having walls is bigoted and having barriers between countries is an outdated concept that is a result of western imperialism. But wanting to live in gated communities or in gentrified neighborhoods is fine (just don’t brag about it). Also, not wanting people to move into your home without your consent makes you a bigot for some reason.

Another major tenet of the left is that it’s perfectly acceptable for the Government to have a hand in guiding us through every aspect of our lives from the moment our moms choose to let us be born, to the moment we request euthanasia. Unless its related to pornography, sex, and the internet, then the government needs to stay the hell out forever, and if it even thinks about getting involved it should be excoriated on the internet, and those politicians involved should have death threats thrown at them.

Next, as a quick aside, I’d like to remind everyone of a sacred belief on the left, that communism hasn’t actually been fully tried and that those 100 million or so corpses piled up during the 20th century were merely the result of some fake socialism, that was really just a totalitarian capitalism all along. Also for some reason, Hitler was a devout Christian and no evil has ever been perpetrated in the name of atheist causes.

Speaking of Hitler, remember that anyone who disagrees with Karl Marx is a full blown unapologetic Nazi who should be punched and/or hit with a bike lock.  But also Israel is bad, and the Jews are bullies who don’t deserve their own state or autonomy, and anyone who believes they do is an evil zionist. And if you catch any of these nazi zionists, make sure you report them to your local twitter mob for proper humiliation and job loss.

Finally to wrap up, leftism today is all about being a champion of free expression. All ideas are welcome to the table to be discussed and no idea is to be left out of the discourse. Anyone who has a question should feel free to ask it, that way it can be fully dissected in the marketplace of ideas. (You know, just like how they do it on CNN and MSNBC.)

And the world is made a bit better because they fought as noble warriors in the cause for (social) justice.

The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.


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