After two years of noticeable absence of snow related athletic accomplishment in the media and my brain, the Olympics have once again returned and produced cringe worthy media commentary. Mainstream sources praise the sister of genocidal maniac dictator Kim Jong Un because she gave the evil side-eye to Vice President Mike Pence. Then there’s athletes refusing to meet with the aforementioned VP because they think he hates homosexuals.
Honestly, I’m thankful for such nonsense. Otherwise we would have nothing to do for three weeks but watch people go down large snow-bedecked inclines using various pieces of metal to support themselves. As Americans, our Olympic attention span is limited to “Oh cool, another gold medal” and “Wait, [small obscure island] is a country?” If the Olympics wants to keep our attention, they needs to shake things up.
Here are five changes that will make the Olympics far more interesting:
- A daily lottery that switches athlete’s events.
Bright and early every Olympic morning, the delegations from each country gather to draw names out of a hat. Families at home grip the edge of their seats, waiting with bated breath for speed skaters to go hurling down the ski jump ramp. Just like a car crash – you wouldn’t be able to look away.
- More focus on the political implications of the Games
Just kidding. That would be awful.
- Playing all national anthems ten times louder during the awards ceremonies
What would be more satisfying than to see the enemies of the United States hunkered down in the stands, hands over their ears as the Star Spangled Banner is blasted so loud that the International Space Station picks it up? Answer: Nothing. Crank it up to 11.
Just like humans, dogs come from a bunch of different places and they vary in shape and size. We have our Olympics. Why not a Doglympics?
Just imagine German Shepherds vs. Welsh Corgis in a knock-down, drag-out, slugfest of obedience, loyalty, endurance, and adorability to see which country can claim the goodest boy of all good boys. They could even walk out during the opening ceremony wearing their country’s colors, drawing more eyes and “awws” than any athlete ever would.
- Add a blocker to curling
Add a blocker from an opposing country to every curling match, intentionally pair up countries with present political tensions. Their sole purpose: to stop those guys with the brooms from doing the sweepy thing with the curling puck (or whatever it is called).
All of a sudden, every curling match looks like “American Gladiator” on ice, a battle between nations. Make it full-contact, give everyone helmets. No one will be able to stop watching.
Change these things and no one will ever complain about being bored while watching the Olympics. Or maybe they will in another twenty years.
The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.