Ice Cream Flavors: Men at Conservative Conferences Edition


Tuesday, February 20, 2018

After attending several conservative conferences, and doing much “scientific” research, I have concluded that every guy you meet at one of these conferences can be classified using the following ice creams:


Vanilla – You probably sat next to him at dinner the first night. He’s nice, but after talking with him, you realize there isn’t a whole lot going on with this dude; he is vanilla for a reason. However there’s nothing wrong with being vanilla, as it’s versatile (sundaes, banana splits, milkshakes, etc.). Versatility is what makes him blend easily with any group. Vanilla is also the base of a lot of other flavors, so you know this guy is a solid friend. He majors in business and spends his free time getting involved with YAF or TPUSA.

Meet the parents? Yes


French Vanilla – This guy is clearly a good one, a “keeper” if you will, but he’s also full of personality. Very religious, and you know it from your first conversation when he brings up the Biblical references in the Constitution- which he also keeps in his coat pocket. He knows a lot about politics– foreign policy specifically. He either becomes a youth pastor or works for a non-profit.

Meet the parents? Yes


Pistachio – You probably spotted him across the room, knew he was trouble, and still struck up a conversation. Nobody actually wants him around, but for some reason, he’s always there. He slips, “Taxation is theft,” and “Feminism is cancer” into conversations to cover the fact that he doesn’t understand politics, much to the annoyance of the people around him. He also meets lots of other Pistachio friends at the conference and they move as a unit for the remainder of the conference.

His career? Whatever makes him the most money.

Meet the parents? Surprising ability to charm mom makes it a yes!


Mint Chocolate Chip – The Hail Mary of conservative guys. This guy has the perfect amount of brains, sass, and kindness. In fact, he’s ridiculously refreshing to you. However, he’s a love/hate guy; no inbetween. You at least keep him around as a friend because he’s extremely loyal and reliable. These positive traits get him a Congressional seat, if not into the White House.

Meet the parents? Yes


Rocky Road – This guy thinks everyone likes him… even if they don’t. He triggers people just to trigger people, and probably expresses controversial opinions just for attention. In order to get anything of actual substance out of a conversation with him, you have to do a lot of digging, but he does have a lot of good takes. He also might have an affinity for Taylor Swift.

After trying to make it as a lawyer, he becomes a high school teacher.

Meet the parents? I wouldn’t


Strawberry – This guy is trying too hard to compete with other guys. He’s nice enough, but finds himself way more entertaining than he actually is. He also lacks a certain subtlety that would make him more attractive. However, what he lacks in subtlety he makes up for in uniqueness. Goes on to be a Prime Time news correspondent.

Meet the parents? Definitely not.


Coffee – This guy is always moving onto the next best thing. You’re not sure he ever sleeps. He thinks “covfefe” is the funniest thing about 2017 and probably wears glasses because dealing with contacts are just another thing to slow him down. After moonlighting at starbucks to pay for college, he goes on to become a syndicated columnist.

Meet the parents? Yes


No matter what flavor you are, there’s a girl out there who likes your kind. Just pray you don’t melt before she finds you.

The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.

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