If you find yourself dreading the idea of spending Thanksgiving with your social justice warrior family members, join the club. Chances are you’ll have to hear your brightly hair colored cousin tell you about her first experience with someone of unicorn kin and how the patriarchy keeps them down. So here are five tips on how to survive Thanksgiving with your SJW family members:
Do not pick up a pumpkin spice latte
Thanksgiving is the holiday Americans spend the most travel time for. Chances are you will be traveling for your Thanksgiving day dinner and coffee goes hand in hand with traveling.
While you’re at the drive through of your local Starbucks think twice before you order that venti pumpkin spice latte. You might be able to ignore the 16 grams of fat found in your seasonal drink, but you will not be able to ignore that SJW relative of yours. At just the sight of that red holiday cup your SJW relative will erupt into a burst of self aggrandizing virtue signaling.
Surely they will tell everyone within sight that the Christmas tree, presents and ornaments on the cup are offensive to Jews, Buddhists and Muslims. Not to mention pumpkin spice lattes are oppressive and display a level of white privilege only rivaled by that displayed by Ugg boots.
Save yourself the trouble and make your own drip coffee.
Do not engage in politics
Mum’s the word when it comes to politics at the Thanksgiving dinner table.
It’s been my experience that those who can’t handle getting their ideas challenged are also the ones who always incite political discussions. So, when your SJW relative starts spouting on about how President Trump is going to be impeached any day now because their favorite Representative Maxine Waters was on with Chris Matthews telling everyone about it, just let them go on and on.
They’ll annoy everyone else and, if you engage in a conversation, odds are they won’t agree with you and have to no safe space to run. They’ll break down before your whole family and you’ll look like the bad guy. Just avoid the situation entirely.
Keep the TV off
It is important to keep the TV off on Thanksgiving because there will likely be one thing on after the Thanksgiving Day Parade, football. Your lovely relative will want to express their new love for football because ‘Cooper Kopernik’ is leading the resistance by kneeling for the anthem.
If you remind them that Colin Kaepernick is not playing for any team this year because he was the worst rated quarterback in the league, they will remind you that the NFL is racist. They will say that the NFL is just a form of legal slavery that silences black Americans when they protest.
You will be reminded that the NFL is plagued with racism with names like the Redskins and so on. You could always trigger them by reminding them that Colin Kaepernick was fined for calling another player a “n*gger” in 2015.
Rather than deal with all of that just leave the TV off.
Do not prepare a turkey
In order to save yourself another headache you must end the staple of Thanksgiving and leave the turkey out this year. The alternative is to risk having to sit through a lecture from your vegan SJW relative who will tell you “meat is murder.”
When your SJW relative offers you some of their gluten free vegetarian, vegan friendly non processed meat replacement, kindly accept it and then put it in you napkin and give it to the dog. You shouldn’t break from tradition, but, if it saves you a lecture or two, maybe ‘Tofurkey’ isn’t too bad.
Do not bring up the first thanksgiving
Even the youngest members of your family won’t be able to evade your SJW relative’s grandstanding. Every family has an elementary schooler that wants to tell everyone what they learned in school about the first Thanksgiving. Your SJW relative won’t allow this because the pilgrims were “literally Hitler.” They will try to teach your young relatives that Thanksgiving should be a holiday of mourning, because the pilgrims came and murdered all the indigenous people and continued to mistreat the natives for centuries to come.
Hopefully with this advice will make your Thanksgiving more enjoyable and your SJW family members more tolerable. But, if all else fails, bourbon does complement apple cider quite lovely and that will make everything else better.
The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.