I personally congratulate Donald Trump and his spirited supporters for securing the presidency against all odds and some of the most corrupt and potent globalist powers. The following piece is satire.
Do you feel alienated in your own country, bearer of the only accurate fact-set in a sea of unbearable Nazi amphibian memes and out-of-the-closet Drumpfkins?
Fear not, fellow Enlightened liberal minds of my generation: there is still a safe place to call home in this ugly, deplorable nation—we need not all share this inglorious basket.
As tolerance for Marxism and unironic Communism held back tears on Tuesday, one brave place was 71.6% With Her—the proud People of the American island of Guam!
They’ve been right about every mainland election since 1980, when they began straw polling—and this year, our All-American heroine Hillary Clinton won Guam in a landslide! Makes you think, huh?
I don’t mean to sound romantic, but if you still don’t think Donald Trump should be president after he won the election, you belong there—on Gab Gab Beach, with the tolerant, educated, and culturally-sensitive! Canada is just way too cold!
Don’t take my word for it: check out HuffPost’s famous Guam vacation destination guide!
It’s basically America’s up-and-coming vacation spot. The next Hawaii!
Make your followers on SnapChat green with envy as you capture honeymoon-quality photographs on your way to yoga class! Prepare for a tidal wave of likes as your timeline transforms overnight into a never-ending series of stunning vistas—from just your walk to the local volunteer center!
Guam is a place just as exotic and interesting as you are!
For the tropical pet lovers: brown tree snakes and giant land snails! These cuddly, friendly creatures are a part of the diverse, breath-taking nature you’ll only find in a gorgeous getaway like Guam.
Even Supreme Roaster John Oliver has repeatedly sung the praises of Guam!
Start the grassroots movement of your dreams: march for universal free anime—more than halfway to Japan!
Escape from being surrounded by redneck bigotry and cultural appropriation to the hospitality of the indigenous Chamarro—an ancient, exotic people with world-famous culinary prowess!
Huffington Prophet: “With clear influences from Spanish and Mexican cuisine, Chamorro food features tortillas, tamales, atole and chilaquiles. Locals especially crave Finadene (a soy sauce-based condiment) and Chicken Kelaguen, which features lemon, chile peppers and coconut shavings.”
Yum~! You simply can’t be correct every time on an empty stomach!
The people of Guam are truly Enlightened, diverse, and fascinating! Sound like home yet?
Don’t take my word for it! Go and put an ocean or two between you and this hateful nation of misogynists, my fellow young and free adventurers!
We can love life again! We can retire early!
We’ll be stronger, together–in the lovely exotic paradise of Guam!
… See you on the beach! Hafa adai!
The views expressed in this article are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Lone Conservative staff.